The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
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Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.