Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus