Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.