The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
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Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*