Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.