The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
You Might Also Like
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA