The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
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“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”