Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.