The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
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Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
the council will decide your fate
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.