Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks