The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
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I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
.. do you even science?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie