The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
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shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
By Kate Hatos
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.