The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
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{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
you gotta be faster
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me