The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
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“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
This is enough internet for the day.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs