Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.