The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
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dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
road rage
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.