The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
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Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing