Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

(more comics:

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking