The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
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CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Rich people don’t understand cereal
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Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
this isn’t threatening at all
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Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.