The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
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When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?