The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
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did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
set yourself free xox
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas