The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
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My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*