The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
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Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
#Caturday
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.