The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
You Might Also Like
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
When you don’t understand how floors work
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose