Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

🏙👨🏼

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie

Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…

Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?