Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

Nigella has gone too far this time.

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.