Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.

Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now