The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
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Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I’m never leaving this app.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT