The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
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Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
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On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
My blood type is coffee.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally