The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
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I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?