The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
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The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
the red hot silly peppers