The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
You Might Also Like
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.