The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
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COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
“i miss shittin on people”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”