Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

oh u like history? name everything that happened

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.