The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
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The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Festive toon…
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said