The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
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Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
is it too early for christmas memes
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.