The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
You Might Also Like
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights