The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
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Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet