Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

Huge if true.

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

Go gym

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.