The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
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Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
No.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”