Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

Finally, an explanation.

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

mumsnet is amazing

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.