Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath