The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
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Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?