The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
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The game has officially changed 😎
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.