The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
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Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Merry Christmas
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?