The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
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me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
What.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
12. I think about this all the damn time
