Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?