The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
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*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.