Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.