The fall of Netflix
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LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on