the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
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me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.