Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

💯😂

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

Punctuation Matters. Period.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

After 35, your body ages in dog years

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”