Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

Miscakes

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

my dad when a sex scene comes on

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no