The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
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going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket