Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough