The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
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Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays