The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
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i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
“our sushi is very fresh”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock