The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
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Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty