the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
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One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner