the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Oh we’ve met.
