The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
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The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.