The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
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Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
No, I don’t think I will.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.