The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
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When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there