The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
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Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
new year update: losing everything but weight
me opening up to someone
