The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
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The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
how to market bottled water to dads
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!