The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
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CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
WHY would you be happy about this?
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called