Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

😂

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall