The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
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Autocorrect completely socks
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here