The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
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My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.
My body: I want donuts.
Every work meeting this week
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
This story is comedy gold 😂
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White