Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’