Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

7: Momma, I need $10

Me: Why?

7: I can’t tell you.

Me: Then I can’t give it to you.

7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.

Me: A deal!?

7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.