The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
You Might Also Like
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Talk about a bad egg
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Seductively sings in Klingon.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.