Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.