The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
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Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.