Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

Ha.

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”