The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
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5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
You better wish for more oil
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.