Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

Nice try, poison.

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST