The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
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my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Plumber: I think I found the problem
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
It do be feeling this way.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?