The Fast and the Furious.
ā Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work š .
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One of my coworkers didnāt show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
this has to be peak English
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
āNo! YOUāRE plastered!!!ā
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Me: This week was long as shit, Iām exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, Iām gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing āNOā from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them āNOā in 167 different languages including Klingon
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weatherā¦
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes thatāll be $40,000
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: Youāve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOUāLL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
My dancing style could best be described as āFrantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.ā
Iām getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like āsorry Iām marriedā then itās āleave me alone Iām marriedā I mean which is it
[Kitchen]
Me: Iām a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you donāt the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think Iām the lead singer of Creed.
Arctic Scientist: your rƩsumƩ said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is Iāve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degreesā¦
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-heās a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
People who write āloosingā when they mean ālosingā need to get loost.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders